Things I'm Not Allowed #5: Saying What I Want

The final item, and the most profound, in this series was, basically, to show up at a certain person's doorstep and say something I've been wanting to say for years but never have, due to my own social fears and our lack of relationship -- like, literally, we've never spoken, yet saw each other a few times a week, even recognizing each other in our own shy ways. I took to visualizing the experience and released this, in my random-dashes way of drawing:

Pretty much, the message of this one is to say what I want to say. Sometimes, what is inside may feel meek to come out, as it may be a delicate part of me. I may build defenses -- pile on a costume, wear a facade -- to protect that precious aspect. Other times, what I feel needs to be said may seem as dangerously snappy as an alligator king (do you see his head in the drawing?), though behind, or underneath, anything I say or do that may seem blunt or harsh is a delicate, well-meaning person. But it might be needed, in order for some activities and projects (or relationships) to progress smoothly; for other views and sides to be heard, that new understanding may be reached; for everyone to be treated fairly. Or, that snappiness might be a mask for what I really am feeling, or want to say. Also, near the bottom of the picture is a fuse. I can only take so much of not being heard, before I may collapse on myself, or explode, leaving others to deal with themselves.

There is so much in this abstract picture, but this description, I think, will suffice.

Opportunities to speak up, or to introduce yourself to someone and meet them, will pass you by. Don't fear others. They're only people. Would it really hurt to follow through, if you're feeling obliged to do so? This isn't always a problem for me, as friendly and welcoming as I can be, but on occasion, I do sense resistance to saying some things I feel strongly about, especially in certain settings. It has been my nature. I will do better. And in some instances, I have.

Indeed, there have been times I've felt like Nicole Kidman's character in Bewitched, when speaking up to Will Ferrell's character, "I have something to say. ... I have something to say! ... I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!" This has been internal, fighting with myself, and external, when I feel like others aren't listening or paying attention.

For music to express a dance to, with a theme as say what you wanna say, you'd think I'd've gone for something obvious, like Sara Barielles' "Brave" or Katy Perry's "Roar," but instead, what first came to mind was a different one-word title: "Rude" by Magic! (Actually, can you find a more fitting song for my original situation? "Got in my car and raced like a jet/All the way to you/Knocked on your door with heart in my hand/To ask you a question"). I should do what I want, say what I want, despite what others might think -- even those I've given social authority -- even if others end up being "rude." "I'm human, too," and oughta "marry her, anyway," so to speak.

Paula Cole - Me (Video) on MUZU.TV.

The second song to occur to me was yet another one-word title: "Me" by Paula Cole. My real self lies within. "I am the silent one inside." That is my true identity, despite any external markers. However, others will never know who I truly am, or my intentions/desires, if I never honestly let them in, whether by speaking up, introducing myself, or sharing my art. Any falling-short in not leaping at opportunities to do that is because of me. It falls on me. "It's me who is my enemy/Me who beats me up/Me who makes the monsters/Me who strips my confidence/And it's me who's too weak/And it's me who's too shy/To ask for the thing I love." It's me who makes my life.

And it's time for me to speak up and say what I want to say!