Mending: Freeing 'All of Me'

"Mend any mending."

This is one of the last tasks of The Artist's Way. Ultimately, it is a lifelong pursuit.

Still, just a week after I finished The Artist's Way, a huge mending occurred in storybook-like ways. A specific period of the past, in which I was emotionally, creatively, other -ly's blocked and locked up, came forward to be released. It troubled me and brought with it great anxiety, as I relived those feelings and that locking up.

As I listened to myself, and to the Spirit, I was guided on an uncanny path to self-discovery and mending. I recorded and explored my mending in my morning pages:

(October 6, 2014) "I took time to doodle it out. First came the wrappings of a gift -- the picture looked like the top of a wrapped gift. ... I was offered a gift -- the entire experience was a gift. I then was told to try to open it like it was a real gift but I couldn't grab the drawn bow. I couldn't open it, and it was frustrating and made me wanna cry. I felt like I wasn't allowed to open the gift, because I wasn't shown how. I crinkled it up and was about to throw it away, but kept it next to me. I, next, drew a worm on a hook bobbing in the water. I was fishing. I realized the gift was to go fishing. I didn't feel I was allowed to go fishing and really experiment. I was just taught methods and asked to bring what I already had. There wasn't too much exploration as to what I could potentially find or become. I don't think I was allowed the time. This was especially true for [Pokey-hontas], who just wanted results. ... I just wanted to play and experiment. ...

Left, worm in water; Right, 'All of Me'

"I drew another picture next to the worm that I realized was an abstract version of me. It showed that my emotional and creative side was huge and running over and my mental and practical side had normal potential but there wasn't much there. Sometimes the spiritual connection between the two was ignored. ... Above them was my connection with God. Anyway, I felt the picture represented all of me. The gift was fishing and finding all of me. I'd hoped for it but wasn't allowed, by myself and others, to really open it, so I put the wrapped gift over the other picture and tore the wrapping paper off, as now I can open that gift. I am free to fish for all of me and be all of me. ... To separate the all of me part from the worm, I folded the paper and it came out looking like an airplane."

Overcoming Fallacy #2: "Love MUST Be Painful;" Why We Use Blocks

Going into this post, I fear becoming one of those nauseatingly sappy guys I want to kick in the balls just to see if they have any (though I'm sure several of you already consider me there and probably not just from this blog).

To recap my last post: just short of two years ago, I realized my belief that no one I would want would want me back was a complete lie and fallacy, particularly pertaining to love interest. A few months later, I came across the book Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle, which rightfully taught that our beliefs create our experiences.

In approximately my eighth week of The Artist's Way, intensely in full-swing of the course, I uncovered yet another love block, which seemed to play off of, and go hand-in-hand with, my previous one. I believed love MUST be painful or else it isn't real, making me often feel that love is a joke. I was frightened to pursue love. Still, I wanted it, like anyone else. I believed this about love, but didn't want to.

Part of this came forward from watching the television show Married at First Sight and dreaming of the day when I, too, could argue in a kitchen with my beloved and just be sick at the very thought and presence of them. It felt energizing. It felt alive. It felt...less than what I thought I should aspire to, even if it made me feel a part of everyone else. I mentally played with and analyzed my perceived concepts of married life. As things occurred to me, I explored them in my stream-of-conscious morning pages:

(August 31, 2014) "I don't like to talk about hard topics with [Spock]...It doesn't always feel safe but almost feels more painful. I think [Spock] loves painfully. [Spock] makes love hurt. It hurts to love. I think I've picked that up from [Spock]...without realizing it. It's like being afraid to love always because of the anticipation of the hurt that will come. Is that what life has taught [Spock]? If you love you will find hurt? What a fallacy and bad lesson. To love is to find joy and celebration. It must be this way...It's not just romantic love. It's all love. But I think I've mostly translated it into romantic love and family -- that if I love them, it means to hurt and be hurt by [them]...How do you work through...conception passed on to you?...I feel like this is huge!...Other forms of familial and romantic love I've seen are always gripey and short-tempered -- another form of saying love is pain. Love is pain! No, it's not...Pain is a warning. Not a result or plea bargain. Pain should not be the result of love, unless there is something to be fixed. Sometimes that [which needs] fixing, I think, is simply our attitude. But whatever it is, it must be addressed. We have felt the warning. We should listen to it and make appropriate changes. Do not live in pain! Life is not meant to live painfully.

Overcoming Fallacy #1: "No One I'd Want Would Want Me;" Our Beliefs Create Our Experiences

Do you have those moments when you realize deep beliefs you held on to were utter lies? It shakes your world, as your reality is called into question. Why shouldn't it, when it is our beliefs that create our perception on reality? Change your beliefs and you change your reality.

Still, that moment of recognition comes with its sting, as the old you dies and a new you is born.

An excerpt from Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle

Since my tween years, I believed that no one whom I would want would want me back. This was mostly romantically-speaking, but overran to other relationships. I had actually been verbally telling myself this for years, knowing how wrong it possibly was but mostly believing it all the same.

As a result, I never pursued anyone or stuck my neck into the dating world, though I didn't really have to when those I desired to go after (and then some -- well, many others -- actually, it was more like a constant stream...) were already attempting to pursue me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I see that I did things (even odd things) to ruin and mess up the situations that were often date-y -ish, but not. (You modern daters know what gray area I'm talking about; where you spend so much time together and know so much about each other you might as well have been "dating"). I ruined them because I had a deep belief it would be "too good to be true" or that I didn't deserve to be a part of that -- self-sabotaging fears. So, I never reached out to seriously or formally date anyone, but when people tried or proposed that with me, I ran for the hills.

Nearly two years ago, I was living in my parents' home immediately after graduating college and after having endured an incredibly emotional, busy year (which included the deaths of both my elderly grandmothers and the suicide of my dearest friend; I was in rough, delicate shape -- perfect for awakenings).

Things I Am Not Allowed #2: Casual Sex

The second item I listed in this series was, "Sex every beautiful thing in sight." Now, I don't sit around or browse around and just wish I could bone everyone around me. But for an honest creative recovery, I should be completely honest, and in complete honesty, sometimes I have my moments, though that is not typically in the forefront of my mind when I meet people. Still, I am human. And for selecting this series, I was going for unfiltered, first to mind -- not over-thought.

So, I took to my doodling method of faith with a swish here, line there, zigzag across that. And lo and behold, before me I presented my attitude toward sex and having it with every beautiful person that crossed my path.

...Did I mention it was a fairly abstract representation? Let's browse it. Remember, this is only my attitude.

The entire picture is a stage, with curtains being drawn back and the front edge outlined at the bottom. Sex is a performance. There are aspects of showmanship and ability, even in the chase, or game of love. Some make it such a shallow thing that it is all show and loses its savor and mocks that which is honest, true, and pure.

Things I Am Not Allowed #1: Romance, Dear To My Heart!!!

I've never considered myself a visual artist and still don't, despite my recent found affinity for doodling. However, as I recently discussed, I discovered it as a communication with myself, even my deeper, subconscious self, to express and release how I was feeling and to bring things more to my attention, similar to the morning pages (and other creative pursuits of mine).

One striking task from the eighth week of The Artist's Way, though I admittedly got to it much later, is to list five things you are not allowed to do, such as kill your boss, scream in church, or go outside naked. Next, put that thing on paper, whether in writing or something visual, and then put music on and dance it.

The first item on my list was something romantic but very specific. IT was something I had been casually trying to avoid, so it didn't overload or overwhelm me emotionally -- keeping a cool head to not agonize myself or look like a fool or screw myself over. You could say that at times I tried to deny its significance and importance to me.

I took to visualizing performing this adventurous action and let that image and energy flow through me. As I felt the thrill and sentiment of the event, I took to my doodling in faith -- slide a line here, dash there, round this to the other segment, work my way around and through.. Then, I felt prompted that the picture was done. I stepped back and looked at what I'd drawn. ...A heart.