Things I'm Not Allowed #5: Saying What I Want

The final item, and the most profound, in this series was, basically, to show up at a certain person's doorstep and say something I've been wanting to say for years but never have, due to my own social fears and our lack of relationship -- like, literally, we've never spoken, yet saw each other a few times a week, even recognizing each other in our own shy ways. I took to visualizing the experience and released this, in my random-dashes way of drawing:

Pretty much, the message of this one is to say what I want to say. Sometimes, what is inside may feel meek to come out, as it may be a delicate part of me. I may build defenses -- pile on a costume, wear a facade -- to protect that precious aspect. Other times, what I feel needs to be said may seem as dangerously snappy as an alligator king (do you see his head in the drawing?), though behind, or underneath, anything I say or do that may seem blunt or harsh is a delicate, well-meaning person. But it might be needed, in order for some activities and projects (or relationships) to progress smoothly; for other views and sides to be heard, that new understanding may be reached; for everyone to be treated fairly. Or, that snappiness might be a mask for what I really am feeling, or want to say. Also, near the bottom of the picture is a fuse. I can only take so much of not being heard, before I may collapse on myself, or explode, leaving others to deal with themselves.

There is so much in this abstract picture, but this description, I think, will suffice.

Opportunities to speak up, or to introduce yourself to someone and meet them, will pass you by. Don't fear others. They're only people. Would it really hurt to follow through, if you're feeling obliged to do so? This isn't always a problem for me, as friendly and welcoming as I can be, but on occasion, I do sense resistance to saying some things I feel strongly about, especially in certain settings. It has been my nature. I will do better. And in some instances, I have.

Things I Am Not Allowed #4: Makin' My Movies

Number four that I listed in this series is, "Make my screenplays into movies myself," as in directing, producing, and acting. Here's what appeared:

I actually directly relied on what I've learned about doodles from Energy Profiling with this one.

Basically, I could probably do it. I possess the leadership within me to potentially do it, though it would, obviously, be an incredible learning and tutelage experience (I would definitely need collaboration on the business and technical side of things). I would often feel like a mad mess inside, but there would be such a sense of art and flow to my method that others may not always sense my immense stress level. But, hey, on a movie set, who isn't stressed out of their mind?

Things I Am Not Allowed #3: Concert Tour

Revisiting this series of The Artist's Way tasks, of doodling things I'm not allowed, the third I listed was, "Give a sell-out concert tour." Out popped this:

So, yeah. I agree. "Whatever, bozo," was my first reaction, as well. I considered it longer and found that to give a concert series to the caliber that I would love to do, I currently only have a very skeletal framework. I have a library of songs I have written (though tucked away, for whatever reason) and a few images in my head (though nothing matured).

There are plenty gaps to fill in, if this is to be accomplished. And of course, the biggest obstacle in doing any of this has been myself, since I've only taken passive steps toward it.

Things I Am Not Allowed #2: Casual Sex

The second item I listed in this series was, "Sex every beautiful thing in sight." Now, I don't sit around or browse around and just wish I could bone everyone around me. But for an honest creative recovery, I should be completely honest, and in complete honesty, sometimes I have my moments, though that is not typically in the forefront of my mind when I meet people. Still, I am human. And for selecting this series, I was going for unfiltered, first to mind -- not over-thought.

So, I took to my doodling method of faith with a swish here, line there, zigzag across that. And lo and behold, before me I presented my attitude toward sex and having it with every beautiful person that crossed my path.

...Did I mention it was a fairly abstract representation? Let's browse it. Remember, this is only my attitude.

The entire picture is a stage, with curtains being drawn back and the front edge outlined at the bottom. Sex is a performance. There are aspects of showmanship and ability, even in the chase, or game of love. Some make it such a shallow thing that it is all show and loses its savor and mocks that which is honest, true, and pure.

Things I Am Not Allowed #1: Romance, Dear To My Heart!!!

I've never considered myself a visual artist and still don't, despite my recent found affinity for doodling. However, as I recently discussed, I discovered it as a communication with myself, even my deeper, subconscious self, to express and release how I was feeling and to bring things more to my attention, similar to the morning pages (and other creative pursuits of mine).

One striking task from the eighth week of The Artist's Way, though I admittedly got to it much later, is to list five things you are not allowed to do, such as kill your boss, scream in church, or go outside naked. Next, put that thing on paper, whether in writing or something visual, and then put music on and dance it.

The first item on my list was something romantic but very specific. IT was something I had been casually trying to avoid, so it didn't overload or overwhelm me emotionally -- keeping a cool head to not agonize myself or look like a fool or screw myself over. You could say that at times I tried to deny its significance and importance to me.

I took to visualizing performing this adventurous action and let that image and energy flow through me. As I felt the thrill and sentiment of the event, I took to my doodling in faith -- slide a line here, dash there, round this to the other segment, work my way around and through.. Then, I felt prompted that the picture was done. I stepped back and looked at what I'd drawn. ...A heart.