This is one of the last tasks of The Artist's Way. Ultimately, it is a lifelong pursuit.
Still, just a week after I finished The Artist's Way, a huge mending occurred in storybook-like ways. A specific period of the past, in which I was emotionally, creatively, other -ly's blocked and locked up, came forward to be released. It troubled me and brought with it great anxiety, as I relived those feelings and that locking up.
As I listened to myself, and to the Spirit, I was guided on an uncanny path to self-discovery and mending. I recorded and explored my mending in my morning pages:
As I listened to myself, and to the Spirit, I was guided on an uncanny path to self-discovery and mending. I recorded and explored my mending in my morning pages:
(October 6, 2014) "I took time to doodle it out. First came the wrappings of a gift -- the picture looked like the top of a wrapped gift. ... I was offered a gift -- the entire experience was a gift. I then was told to try to open it like it was a real gift but I couldn't grab the drawn bow. I couldn't open it, and it was frustrating and made me wanna cry. I felt like I wasn't allowed to open the gift, because I wasn't shown how. I crinkled it up and was about to throw it away, but kept it next to me. I, next, drew a worm on a hook bobbing in the water. I was fishing. I realized the gift was to go fishing. I didn't feel I was allowed to go fishing and really experiment. I was just taught methods and asked to bring what I already had. There wasn't too much exploration as to what I could potentially find or become. I don't think I was allowed the time. This was especially true for [Pokey-hontas], who just wanted results. ... I just wanted to play and experiment. ...
 |
| Left, worm in water; Right, 'All of Me' |
"I drew another picture next to the worm that I realized was an abstract version of me. It showed that my emotional and creative side was huge and running over and my mental and practical side had normal potential but there wasn't much there. Sometimes the spiritual connection between the two was ignored. ... Above them was my connection with God. Anyway, I felt the picture represented all of me. The gift was fishing and finding all of me. I'd hoped for it but wasn't allowed, by myself and others, to really open it, so I put the wrapped gift over the other picture and tore the wrapping paper off, as now I can open that gift. I am free to fish for all of me and be all of me. ... To separate the all of me part from the worm, I folded the paper and it came out looking like an airplane."
(October 7, 2014) "Yesterday, I worked on freeing myself from the [Pokey-hontas] and [Pulp Fiction] issue. I took 'all of me' and flew it like an airplane. I cartooned [Pokey-hontas], drew an X through [Pokey-hontas], and wiped [the drawing] in dry manure and threw it away. I burned 'all of me' and sprinkled the ashes at Newton Dam. I freed 'all of me' into the world."The experience was radical and increasingly grows as a symbol to me of what I wish to do and whom I wish to be. (It also was entertaining. When I found my spot at Newton Dam, a truck drove by on the small dirt road I was next to. It stopped a little ways up, and the lone driver watched me for what felt like an eternity. I can only imagine what was going through his head, curious as to what this boy was doing with some kind of powder in a small plastic container out in the middle of nowhere by himself. Awkwardly, I fiddled on my phone, waiting for the truck to leave, so I could continue in privacy.)
Interestingly, previous to doing all of this:
(October 6, 2014) "I felt locked up. I even wondered ... if I should just get a normal job or go back to school. I felt like I could just join up with everyone else. Then, I realized that was a creative U-turn and fearful resistance. I'm probably on the edge of a breakthrough and my senses want immediately to run away. ... I think some self-forgiveness is in order. Forgiveness of myself and others."I am grateful for this particular experience of keeping with the program and continuing to explore my feelings, when I was tempted to shut it all down, to not face it. I intend to stay with the path I feel directed to, despite second-guessing. It feels guided, in its whimsical methods toward wholeness, that quite often defy what would seem sensible. Still, yet, when has God's ways been sensible?
The path requires faith.
I will mend any mending, finding and freeing all of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment