Am I Grown Up, Yet?

I wonder about the emphasis on the seriousness of "growing up." Some say it just means taking responsibility, but even sometimes, that isn't accepted as enough. Often, I feel as if I may have become less responsible as I've gotten older. I feel like the more I actually learn about life, the less I understand. There is so much to understand.

Then again, that suggests an endlessness of beautiful possibility.

But now they only block the sun. They rain and snow on everyone. So many things I would have done, But #clouds got in my way. I've looked at clouds from #bothsidesnow. #JoniMitchell #Utahmountains

A photo posted by Jonathan Inman (@jonathinman) on Mar 24, 2015 at 7:15pm PDT

What I have found striking about the picture above is that while it is paired with sobering lyrics that befit it, those mentioned characteristics of clouds brought with them something of magnificent beauty. So is life. Life is meant to be lived. Chances taken. Risks made. Life, itself, is a gamble. A constant state of growth and change, where the beauty is in the life that is lived, no matter how we're perceived--grown up, matured, or not.

There is value in "childlike" enthusiasm and curiosity, even if others do not always see it, or appreciate it.

Children should not have to grow up,
If they do not desire.
They should join together
To form a soprano choir.

They should create their own
Ever-youthful sports leagues
Or always study living things
With their same gust and intrigue.

They should not have to give away
Toys or things of the play matter
And always be allowed to leave
With veggies still on their platter.

They should cleave to imagination,
As though it is their life source,
For with it they can do anything,
Even pave a safari course.


Funny thing -- growing up --
For some try to do it,
But none, it seems, have been
Able to really prove it.

Male Image and Porn

I am bothered by male objectification and muscle worship. I discussed this with an intelligent, close bisexual male friend, who mentioned that male objectification is widely expressed in our society but is far more overlooked than female objectification. It's everywhere you can find female objectification, even in television commercials, such as Old Spice ads, where it's often disguised and passed off as humorous. Still, how many ladies (and gents) would step up to bang these Old Spice guys, regardless of their satire of superficial male ego? (But that's the point they're trying to make to sell their product, right? Sick).

I don't feel like male objectification is a commonly addressed issue, though I observe several women and (gay) men participating in it on a regular basis. It's taken me a while to figure why I find it upsetting, beyond my irritations with superficiality, but I feel it shamefully stifles and overshadows gifts from men that are necessary to be expressed and that we are missing out on. Indeed, though I haven't heard this specifically mentioned -- as rightfully, media portrayal, violence, and emotional vulnerability are most often discussed with perceived "manhood" -- it is a marking aspect in the ongoing conversation of remembering that feminism is not meant to be man-hating, or man-debilitating, but to be about gender equality, benefiting both men and women.

My issue with male objectification helped me understand how female objectification is upsetting to most women, not that I needed to observe this to sympathize with them. Arguably, heterosexual (and homosexual) males do it as bullies, (subconsciously) attempting to use "weaker" males as objects to impose power over. For the sake of this post, however, I want to mainly focus on sexual objectification and the ideal male, especially regarding what it means to "be a man."

Seeing Others or Porn

Are we really seeing others for what they are -- their essence, their core? Are we reading into the unseen when we meet them, when we view their photographs? Are we honestly valuing and appreciating that? Do we make righteous judgments? Or, are we falling short, for ourselves, for each other, and for society, by stepping up to announce a superficial preference?

Why I Believe the Book of Mormon is True

Apart from spiritual confirmations, as a writer I believe the Book of Mormon to be a true document and history because its organization is so stupid.

Honestly, no one would write like this if they were making this stuff up, especially not an uneducated laborer younger than me (I'm speaking of Joseph Smith, if you happen to not know of the 19th century man that brought the book forward). I just don't see it. And not in three months, which is how long it took to "translate" the document.

I don't know how many times I've read the Book of Mormon, and I have to confess: being a lifetime member of the church that uses it (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), I only passively paid attention to what I read, while still picking up on a lot of the spiritual nuggets. Nevertheless, I spent this last year reading it and decided to make a conscious effort to understand every bit of it. Plus, I had questions I hoped, in some way, would be answered. Most weren't. That's okay.

Anyway, this time I read the entire book on my Kindle, having recognized some self-distancing and stand-off feelings when I approach the very structured columns in the print version. My Kindle made reading feel less impersonal and rigid. Also, I approached the entire book and characters as something completely foreign to me ("Nephi who?" -- cue acting skills). In the past, having heard the story of Nephi, and several other Book of Mormon stories, a thousand times, I would often tune out, because it felt like old news. These new techniques worked and helped! Soon, I found myself more engrossed than I had ever been before, which sparked me to take notes as I read.

Okay. Enough of how I did this reading.

Most of the book is an abridgment of volumes upon volumes of history concerning the Americas prior to its modern (within the last 1000 years) discovery, compiled by a man named Mormon. His writing takes over after a long discourse and history written by Nephi, who gives the record to his brother Jacob. A few of Jacob's progenitors hop in and add their few cents -- most just saying, "Hi. I existed. I possessed the record...Um, yeah..." Then, Mormon pops in, greets us, and takes us on from there into an abridgment that covers hundreds of years, which is eventually picked up by his son Moroni.

Occasionally, Mormon and Moroni interrupt to add their own comments, each with their own style -- Mormon more short and precise/simple; Moroni more lengthy and deep/bold. However, with the abridgment, Mormon is more detailed in his account, before adding his comments to simply sum up the point of each story. Moroni, on the other hand, is incredibly brief in his storytelling. His portion of abridgment is straight-forward, with a focus on the bottom line. The two men's voices are very different, but it is possible to say that their individual situations (of war) at the time of abridging could've played into their ability and accessibility to write.

Things I'm Not Allowed #5: Saying What I Want

The final item, and the most profound, in this series was, basically, to show up at a certain person's doorstep and say something I've been wanting to say for years but never have, due to my own social fears and our lack of relationship -- like, literally, we've never spoken, yet saw each other a few times a week, even recognizing each other in our own shy ways. I took to visualizing the experience and released this, in my random-dashes way of drawing:

Pretty much, the message of this one is to say what I want to say. Sometimes, what is inside may feel meek to come out, as it may be a delicate part of me. I may build defenses -- pile on a costume, wear a facade -- to protect that precious aspect. Other times, what I feel needs to be said may seem as dangerously snappy as an alligator king (do you see his head in the drawing?), though behind, or underneath, anything I say or do that may seem blunt or harsh is a delicate, well-meaning person. But it might be needed, in order for some activities and projects (or relationships) to progress smoothly; for other views and sides to be heard, that new understanding may be reached; for everyone to be treated fairly. Or, that snappiness might be a mask for what I really am feeling, or want to say. Also, near the bottom of the picture is a fuse. I can only take so much of not being heard, before I may collapse on myself, or explode, leaving others to deal with themselves.

There is so much in this abstract picture, but this description, I think, will suffice.

Opportunities to speak up, or to introduce yourself to someone and meet them, will pass you by. Don't fear others. They're only people. Would it really hurt to follow through, if you're feeling obliged to do so? This isn't always a problem for me, as friendly and welcoming as I can be, but on occasion, I do sense resistance to saying some things I feel strongly about, especially in certain settings. It has been my nature. I will do better. And in some instances, I have.

Scriptural Rambling: Seeking Righteous Judgments

Recently, I had an interesting understanding that I was reminded of while reading scriptures concerning judging others, that I wanted to share. I'm not directing it at anyone. I just felt like sharing.

Christ speaks about it in The New Testament:

• "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged" (Matthew 7:1-2; see also Luke 6:37).
• "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgments" (John 7:24).
• "Ye judge after the flesh; I judge no man. And yet if I judge, my judgment is true" (John 8:15-16).

However, I was reading in The Book of Mormon where Moroni says, "The Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil" (Moroni 7:16). Of course, Moroni is in the middle of discussing how to not be persuaded to take good for evil or evil for good. He is instructing on making righteous judgments -- that is, in a godly moral sense, righteousness/goodness is right, and unrighteousness/wickedness is wrong. "Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God" (Moroni 7:12). "For...my [Christ's] Spirit...persuadeth men to do good. And whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do good is of me; for good cometh of none save it be of me. I am the same that leadeth men to all good" (Ether 4:11-12). "And whatsoever thing is good is just and true; wherefore, nothing that is good denieth the Christ, but acknowledgeth that he is" (Moroni 10:6).

Moroni continues in verse 18 of that 7th chapter: "And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged."

My Energy Profile: A Self-Portrait

A few days ago, I shared an overview of Carol Tuttle's Energy Profiling system. Now, time for the grand reveal of my Energy Profile:

I am a Type 1 light-hearted, animated man!

Ta-da! My Energy Profile is 1-2-4-3, exactly like my mother. I lead with a Type 1 Energy that is strongly supported by a soft, subtle Type 2 Energy, closely followed by a reflective, bold Type 4 Energy. And last is my swift, sassy Type 3 Energy (obviously). Each supporting energy has served me well, and I see that the qualities I express in those Energies still maintain a flair of my spontaneous Type 1 Energy.

Let me share some ways I express this energy combination in my life.

To be honest, I feel a bit funny writing this. It feels like it's a stream of me, me, me. But my hopes would be that you can understand how the Energy Profiling system can play into, bring insight to, and be evidenced in someone's life. Also, perhaps, you may connect with my tendencies and notice those qualities in your own expression of those Energies, or in the expression of other people.

My Art

In describing her 2014 single "Into the Blue," Kylie Minogue (Type 1) summed up the track in what is probably the best description, I would say, of a Type 1-2's tendencies and outlook on life, stating, "It's a little bit melancholy, but it's ultimately euphoric." Looking over my own art, which -- true to my random Type 1 nature -- covers many different mediums of expression, I feel I can say the same about every piece I have ever created. In fact, much of the art that personally appeals to me can receive that same description, hence my strong draw to breezy pop and bubblegum pop. I've felt my everyday internal world as a Type 1-2 movement could be demonstrated in the 2:51-3:33 segment of Owl City's "Cave In:"

Physical Features

Carol Tuttle's Energy Profiling System

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This post is fun! We all are familiar with personality types. Well, a little over a year ago, I discovered Carol Tuttle's Energy Profiling system, a movement based assessment that takes into account behavioral tendencies, body language, physical features, feeling processes, and thought processes.

My purpose in sharing this is to start off the new year with something that may help us get to know ourselves a little better. Discovering a more "true" you may be just around the corner! Plus, it plays some into a few of my future posts, since it's taken an interesting role in my life. Most importantly for future posts, pay attention to doodles.

Energy Profiling presents the idea that everyone was born with their energy profile and that it never changes. We all were given our gifts with our energy type and will be happiest and will thrive most, with those around us, as we live true to that nature and honor others as they live true to their nature. Of course, though there are only four energy types, everyone is unique in their individual expression of their type. Also, everyone possesses all four types within them, though we all lead with one of the types. Further, the energy types express in all forms of nature, including environments and animals, and in many different aspects of life, such as music and what clothes, hairstyles, and makeup work best for someone (Carol and her team have organized an entire program for this entitled Dressing Your Truth, or DYT; its introductory book is Discover Your Personal Beauty Profile).

Another major aspect Energy Profiling accomplishes is that it disbands most behavioral qualities of gender, validating and honoring personal gifts that are often squelched by societal expectations. While society may impose a standard of what one must be in order to represent a prime example of their gender, Energy Profiling grants opportunity for everyone to live true to what is most natural to them. Many members of each sex possess qualities that society may try to discount, qualities and gifts we often miss in our world, all for the sake of shaming. Let us build, rather than tear down.

Needless to say, there is a lot to be said about energy profiling, but I'll try to be brief. You can look further into it if it peaks your interest. More can be known about it in Carol's book It's Just My Nature! and through her free ENERGY PROFILING online course.

Now, to qualify yourself as a type, there is no test, as with many personality inquiries, which results can be tainted and, therefore, not necessarily a most accurate assessment of who you truly are at your core. When you learn of the types, you intuitively will know what type you dominantly express (and what you express as your secondary, tertiary, and so forth). They are named just by numbers: Type 1, Type 2, etc.

Overcoming Fallacy #2: "Love MUST Be Painful;" Why We Use Blocks

Going into this post, I fear becoming one of those nauseatingly sappy guys I want to kick in the balls just to see if they have any (though I'm sure several of you already consider me there and probably not just from this blog).

To recap my last post: just short of two years ago, I realized my belief that no one I would want would want me back was a complete lie and fallacy, particularly pertaining to love interest. A few months later, I came across the book Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle, which rightfully taught that our beliefs create our experiences.

In approximately my eighth week of The Artist's Way, intensely in full-swing of the course, I uncovered yet another love block, which seemed to play off of, and go hand-in-hand with, my previous one. I believed love MUST be painful or else it isn't real, making me often feel that love is a joke. I was frightened to pursue love. Still, I wanted it, like anyone else. I believed this about love, but didn't want to.

Part of this came forward from watching the television show Married at First Sight and dreaming of the day when I, too, could argue in a kitchen with my beloved and just be sick at the very thought and presence of them. It felt energizing. It felt alive. It felt...less than what I thought I should aspire to, even if it made me feel a part of everyone else. I mentally played with and analyzed my perceived concepts of married life. As things occurred to me, I explored them in my stream-of-conscious morning pages:

(August 31, 2014) "I don't like to talk about hard topics with [Spock]...It doesn't always feel safe but almost feels more painful. I think [Spock] loves painfully. [Spock] makes love hurt. It hurts to love. I think I've picked that up from [Spock]...without realizing it. It's like being afraid to love always because of the anticipation of the hurt that will come. Is that what life has taught [Spock]? If you love you will find hurt? What a fallacy and bad lesson. To love is to find joy and celebration. It must be this way...It's not just romantic love. It's all love. But I think I've mostly translated it into romantic love and family -- that if I love them, it means to hurt and be hurt by [them]...How do you work through...conception passed on to you?...I feel like this is huge!...Other forms of familial and romantic love I've seen are always gripey and short-tempered -- another form of saying love is pain. Love is pain! No, it's not...Pain is a warning. Not a result or plea bargain. Pain should not be the result of love, unless there is something to be fixed. Sometimes that [which needs] fixing, I think, is simply our attitude. But whatever it is, it must be addressed. We have felt the warning. We should listen to it and make appropriate changes. Do not live in pain! Life is not meant to live painfully.

Overcoming Fallacy #1: "No One I'd Want Would Want Me;" Our Beliefs Create Our Experiences

Do you have those moments when you realize deep beliefs you held on to were utter lies? It shakes your world, as your reality is called into question. Why shouldn't it, when it is our beliefs that create our perception on reality? Change your beliefs and you change your reality.

Still, that moment of recognition comes with its sting, as the old you dies and a new you is born.

An excerpt from Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle

Since my tween years, I believed that no one whom I would want would want me back. This was mostly romantically-speaking, but overran to other relationships. I had actually been verbally telling myself this for years, knowing how wrong it possibly was but mostly believing it all the same.

As a result, I never pursued anyone or stuck my neck into the dating world, though I didn't really have to when those I desired to go after (and then some -- well, many others -- actually, it was more like a constant stream...) were already attempting to pursue me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I see that I did things (even odd things) to ruin and mess up the situations that were often date-y -ish, but not. (You modern daters know what gray area I'm talking about; where you spend so much time together and know so much about each other you might as well have been "dating"). I ruined them because I had a deep belief it would be "too good to be true" or that I didn't deserve to be a part of that -- self-sabotaging fears. So, I never reached out to seriously or formally date anyone, but when people tried or proposed that with me, I ran for the hills.

Nearly two years ago, I was living in my parents' home immediately after graduating college and after having endured an incredibly emotional, busy year (which included the deaths of both my elderly grandmothers and the suicide of my dearest friend; I was in rough, delicate shape -- perfect for awakenings).