Am I Grown Up, Yet?

I wonder about the emphasis on the seriousness of "growing up." Some say it just means taking responsibility, but even sometimes, that isn't accepted as enough. Often, I feel as if I may have become less responsible as I've gotten older. I feel like the more I actually learn about life, the less I understand. There is so much to understand.

Then again, that suggests an endlessness of beautiful possibility.

But now they only block the sun. They rain and snow on everyone. So many things I would have done, But #clouds got in my way. I've looked at clouds from #bothsidesnow. #JoniMitchell #Utahmountains

A photo posted by Jonathan Inman (@jonathinman) on Mar 24, 2015 at 7:15pm PDT

What I have found striking about the picture above is that while it is paired with sobering lyrics that befit it, those mentioned characteristics of clouds brought with them something of magnificent beauty. So is life. Life is meant to be lived. Chances taken. Risks made. Life, itself, is a gamble. A constant state of growth and change, where the beauty is in the life that is lived, no matter how we're perceived--grown up, matured, or not.

There is value in "childlike" enthusiasm and curiosity, even if others do not always see it, or appreciate it.

Children should not have to grow up,
If they do not desire.
They should join together
To form a soprano choir.

They should create their own
Ever-youthful sports leagues
Or always study living things
With their same gust and intrigue.

They should not have to give away
Toys or things of the play matter
And always be allowed to leave
With veggies still on their platter.

They should cleave to imagination,
As though it is their life source,
For with it they can do anything,
Even pave a safari course.


Funny thing -- growing up --
For some try to do it,
But none, it seems, have been
Able to really prove it.

Overcoming Fallacy #2: "Love MUST Be Painful;" Why We Use Blocks

Going into this post, I fear becoming one of those nauseatingly sappy guys I want to kick in the balls just to see if they have any (though I'm sure several of you already consider me there and probably not just from this blog).

To recap my last post: just short of two years ago, I realized my belief that no one I would want would want me back was a complete lie and fallacy, particularly pertaining to love interest. A few months later, I came across the book Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle, which rightfully taught that our beliefs create our experiences.

In approximately my eighth week of The Artist's Way, intensely in full-swing of the course, I uncovered yet another love block, which seemed to play off of, and go hand-in-hand with, my previous one. I believed love MUST be painful or else it isn't real, making me often feel that love is a joke. I was frightened to pursue love. Still, I wanted it, like anyone else. I believed this about love, but didn't want to.

Part of this came forward from watching the television show Married at First Sight and dreaming of the day when I, too, could argue in a kitchen with my beloved and just be sick at the very thought and presence of them. It felt energizing. It felt alive. It felt...less than what I thought I should aspire to, even if it made me feel a part of everyone else. I mentally played with and analyzed my perceived concepts of married life. As things occurred to me, I explored them in my stream-of-conscious morning pages:

(August 31, 2014) "I don't like to talk about hard topics with [Spock]...It doesn't always feel safe but almost feels more painful. I think [Spock] loves painfully. [Spock] makes love hurt. It hurts to love. I think I've picked that up from [Spock]...without realizing it. It's like being afraid to love always because of the anticipation of the hurt that will come. Is that what life has taught [Spock]? If you love you will find hurt? What a fallacy and bad lesson. To love is to find joy and celebration. It must be this way...It's not just romantic love. It's all love. But I think I've mostly translated it into romantic love and family -- that if I love them, it means to hurt and be hurt by [them]...How do you work through...conception passed on to you?...I feel like this is huge!...Other forms of familial and romantic love I've seen are always gripey and short-tempered -- another form of saying love is pain. Love is pain! No, it's not...Pain is a warning. Not a result or plea bargain. Pain should not be the result of love, unless there is something to be fixed. Sometimes that [which needs] fixing, I think, is simply our attitude. But whatever it is, it must be addressed. We have felt the warning. We should listen to it and make appropriate changes. Do not live in pain! Life is not meant to live painfully.

Overcoming Fallacy #1: "No One I'd Want Would Want Me;" Our Beliefs Create Our Experiences

Do you have those moments when you realize deep beliefs you held on to were utter lies? It shakes your world, as your reality is called into question. Why shouldn't it, when it is our beliefs that create our perception on reality? Change your beliefs and you change your reality.

Still, that moment of recognition comes with its sting, as the old you dies and a new you is born.

An excerpt from Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle

Since my tween years, I believed that no one whom I would want would want me back. This was mostly romantically-speaking, but overran to other relationships. I had actually been verbally telling myself this for years, knowing how wrong it possibly was but mostly believing it all the same.

As a result, I never pursued anyone or stuck my neck into the dating world, though I didn't really have to when those I desired to go after (and then some -- well, many others -- actually, it was more like a constant stream...) were already attempting to pursue me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I see that I did things (even odd things) to ruin and mess up the situations that were often date-y -ish, but not. (You modern daters know what gray area I'm talking about; where you spend so much time together and know so much about each other you might as well have been "dating"). I ruined them because I had a deep belief it would be "too good to be true" or that I didn't deserve to be a part of that -- self-sabotaging fears. So, I never reached out to seriously or formally date anyone, but when people tried or proposed that with me, I ran for the hills.

Nearly two years ago, I was living in my parents' home immediately after graduating college and after having endured an incredibly emotional, busy year (which included the deaths of both my elderly grandmothers and the suicide of my dearest friend; I was in rough, delicate shape -- perfect for awakenings).